I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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