I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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