I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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