haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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