and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
