please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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