drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
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