i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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