i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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