he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy�
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
