shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
