Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
