So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Randomize
