just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
