So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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