my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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