we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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