Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
