he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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