OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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