The maid of honor just puked.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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