So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
