the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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