Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
