In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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