um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
