I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
