there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
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