how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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