My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
