Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Oh god it's open bar.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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