I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Randomize
