Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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