lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
