So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
