i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
