Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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