He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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