what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
