Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
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