dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
