Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
