Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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