so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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