Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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