You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
