My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
