sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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