Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
