theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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