Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
