mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
