Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
