Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
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